I wish is were just a bad dream…

I really don’t know how to put this into words, so please forgive me in advance for being so open. We are at such a loss right now…I wish that everything that has been happening recently were just a dream. It seems so unreal and I wish it was just a bad dream. Unfortunately, it seems that it is our reality. I know that so many others are struggling with their own issues and feel bad for even bringing up what we are struggling with right now. We created Andrew’s website for many reasons, including helping others that are faced with similar struggles and an outlet to help us communicate our honest feelings, thoughts, etc. Today we need to use the outlet as we are close to the breaking point. Please don’t feel obligated to read any further…we just have to release this pressure somewhere. I may end up deleting this post later…who knows.

We are so thankful that Andrew has been fairly stable recently. The extra medical bills were beginning to slow down and it really seemed like the bleeding was beginning to stop. Jessica and I decided that our family needs to downsize so we can try to begin living a normal life and pay off all this accumulated debt. About a month ago, we started looking into various options to reduce our monthly expenses. We investigated moving out of state and things seemed to make sense to get Andrew out of the heat in Arizona since it makes it really difficult for him over the summer. Unfortunately, that option quickly fell apart and we felt it wasn’t what God wanted us to do at this time. Next, we looked into other options here in Arizona and were running into many dead ends since the cost of living is so high. It was getting very frustrating, because we just couldn’t seem to find a way to ease our situation. Thankfully, Steve and Jill had offered for us to stay with them for a few months while we try to get back on our feet and figure things out. That seemed to be a great plan but then we stumbled across an amazing deal on an apartment closer to my work. It worked out to be a great savings and lined up perfectly with when we need to move out of the house that we are renting. We felt (and still feel) that it was a God send…so we jumped at the opportunity. Everything seemed to be falling into place, so we started working on downsizing, selling lots of things on craigslist, garage sale, etc.

The day before we left for our summer vacation we learned that my vehicle needed the timing belt and a number of other items replaced. When we got back from vacation we decided to get it fixed and sold all of our stock to pay for the repairs. We had purchased the stock and always kept it in case of an emergency, so it seemed like everything was still on track…just another bump in the road. 🙂

Then shortly after you probably learned about Nathaniel’s baffling medical issues. He continues to sleep 16 hours a day and we are still trying to figure out the exact cause. It seems that we are possibly on the right path, but the timing couldn’t be worse than right now. However, we can’t ignore something serious like that so we continue to push on for his sake.

It just seems so unreal and honestly feels very unfair. I am trying not to have pity party or give up, but honestly it’s hard not to feel that way. I think the thing that was the feather that broke the camels back was yesterday when I didn’t get a very large sale that I’ve been expecting for 2 weeks. It was going to give us the shot in the arm that we needed. Instead of getting a break, now we are in a situation where we will owe my company. Thankfully, they will work out a repayment plan from my future commission checks, but like I said it just seems to unreal.

I so wish that I was making this stuff up or that I am going to wake up and realize it was just a dream. I don’t know how much more we can handle…we both broke down yesterday. Thankfully, Justin and Kara took the boys so we could decompress a little and get back up to face today. We aren’t looking for sympathy or attention or money or anything like that…just needed to vent this morning. We would appreciate your continued prayers, though, knowing that somehow God will change things for us. We know he has a plan but right now we are struggling to understand it. Thank you for letting me share our frustrations…it helps to be able to vent from time to time. We are very fortunate to be surrounded by so many caring people.

Love,
The Madonia’s